Often in relationships there’s one person who has made some major mistakes that have left the other person feeling angry, bitter or betrayed. (Sometimes all three!) These mistakes can include infidelity, prolonged chemical abuse, financial irresponsibility, and problematic jealousy. The person who has made these mistakes usually feels bad and is seeking forgiveness. They often have begun to make genuine efforts at changing their behavior and acting more like the loving person they want to be and that the wronged party has always asked them to be. The person who is trying to make amends to the wronged party is often distressed and frustrated when their partner often rejects or is unable to accept their efforts.
The self-talk of the prodigal partner
Here are some of the thoughts people have who are trying to make amends to partners who seem unable to forgive them:
- What’s the point of trying? They treat me the same whether I’m being good or bad.
- I said I’m sorry. How long are they going to punish me for this?
- Why do they have to dwell on the past?
- Why can’t we try to do something constructive about the problems we have now?
- I know I screwed up but there’s no way I can make up for it.
- I’m doing what they always asked for. Why can’t they accept it?
- They don’t ever give me credit for the changes I’m making.
- Will I have to be one down and them one up forever?
These feelings are understandable and are not wrong. However, they are not based on what is realistic to expect from a person whom you have let down or disappointed sometimes for many years.
People who are changing destructive patterns need to make their peace with the fact that doing the right thing won’t necessarily bring on applause in the parties who’ve been wronged. Work on doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do, not for the approval it will bring.
What the Road Back Requires
Winning back the love of a long-wronged partner or spouse will require five things above all else:
Patience.
Endurance.
Tolerating being unpopular (for at least a good while).
Developing specific insights into what prompted bad behavior in the past, and identifying your plan to combat that behavior.
Ongoing evidence of new behavior.
Romantic declarations of love are typically not enough, especially if they haven’t been backed up by action in the past.
Click here if you want some further ideas as to what is necessary to maximize the chances of winning back the affection and trust in your damaged relationship.
The Bitterness Narrative Series
The Bitterness Narrative Series is written to help couples who are dealing with bitter feelings in one partner based on bad behavior of another partner, such as addiction, gambling, cheating, and so on. Undoing the pattern of bad behavior and mistrust involves work on the part of both parties. The partner who is feeling bitter and distrustful may benefit from reading the first installment of the series, followed by the second entry. The third entry in the series talks directly to the “prodigal” partner and encourages patience. This the fourth and final entry in the series. For those embarking on this path, I admire your courage and commitment to trying to make things work in your relationship. Only the best of wishes sent your way!
Seven Tips for Overcoming Bitterness
When You’ve Made Some Bad Mistakes, Understanding Their Bitterness
Doing Better is Just the Start, Moving Beyond Bitterness
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